Throughout most of young adulthood, I had an inner vow that I would never be angry and lose my temper like my mom did when I was growing up. For my brother and me, growing up was anything but safe and pleasant. We have overcome much. My mom was an alcoholic and we never knew what her mood would be each night or on the weekends. Was she going to be the happy drunk who would walk around the house without a care in the world, or would she be the angry drunk who easily lost her temper and was impossible to reason with? And for much of my life, it was the sad and angry drunk. She was known to break things, hit things, and throw things. I was so thankful I didnât carry that trait of always being angry⌠or so I thought. My faith helped me to overcome much of my dysfunctional upbringing, and for that I am so thankful.
It wasnât until I started having children in my mid-twenties that I noticed it. It would start with a slight frustration or annoyance and then my mood would shift completely. I would yell at my kids for something and then feel so guilty later. But I felt like I couldnât control it. I would become so upset at something they did (or didnât do) that I would just lose it. Most of the time I just felt so overwhelmed and out of control- while they were just being little kids, making little kid messes and getting into little kid fights.
I remember when I had a newborn and a two-year old. I was sleep deprived and my newborn, baby Noah, was colicky for the first 6 months. I didnât have any family close by to just give me a couple of hours of respite. My husband worked 6 days a week and had many meetings in the evenings. I felt like I was drowning with no life preserver in sight.
I found myself losing my temper more and more frequently. My emotions were raw and I actually scared myself at how angry I could become. You might wonder why I didnât reach out for help right away. I was a young Childrenâs Pastors wife, I was in leadership at Mothers Of Preschoolers, and I was the Kidâs Choir Director at church. I couldnât let anyone see that inside I was a mess. Looking back, I donât think I knew how to let anyone in. I was ashamed.
We then moved from Irving, Texas, to Bedford, Texas, and I continued to try and keep it all together. I was very independent and would never think of telling anyone my struggles, let alone reaching out for help. I remember getting upset at my daughter, Hope, who was about 4 at the time, because she wouldnât stay in bed and go to sleep. As I went back to put her in her bed, she said to me in her sweetest, saddest little voice, âMommy, I wish we could move back to our other house.â This new house was much bigger with a great backyard and a swing-set, so I was surprised at her words. âWhy?â I asked. She said, âBecause I think this house makes you really mad.â I will never forget her words, as they were my final wake up call. I had to admit that I couldnât do it on my own anymore, and that I needed help for my anger.
If you can relate to my story, I want you to know, youâre not alone. Many moms share stories of their struggles with anger. Itâs so hard to talk about and our shame keeps us silent and feeling alone. You are not a bad mom- you just need some tools to help you cope with the stress and pressures of life and having little ones. For me, I was just surprised that it took having three kids for my own anger to surface its ugly little head.
What can you do?
- Share with a trusted friend. Sometimes the first step is to break the silence and bring that thing youâve been so ashamed of to the light. Itâs actually freeing when youâre able to talk about it. Have accountability with a safe friend and allow her to ask you the hard questions. It would be great if you guys could meet together or talk on the phone weekly or bi-weekly.
- See a counselor. When I realized that this was much bigger than me, I knew I needed someone to talk to. I needed someone that could dig into my past and try to help me realize why I was responding the way I was. This was huge for me! If youâre noticing that your anger or rage is frequent/daily, please donât hesitate to get help from a counselor. Donât say, âI just canât afford it.â Some counselors offer a discount based on your familyâs income. You canât afford not to. There is such a stigma in society today, like going to counseling is for people that have major problems. Guess what? We all have things in our lives that might need some outside counsel every now and then. This is nothing to be ashamed of! I applaud you for realizing there is an issue and being brave enough to seek the help of those qualified. After a few sessions with my counselor, she looked me in the eyes and said, âWow, itâs a miracle youâre not totally messed up right now!â Do it for you and do it for your family.
- Seek out forgiveness. If you know youâve disciplined your child out of anger, not out of love and normal parental discipline, ask for your childâs forgiveness. This is powerful! What a lesson for them to see that we can humble ourselves and ask for their forgiveness when weâve done something wrong. And it brings healing to their little hearts. This also models to them how to ask for forgiveness when theyâve done something wrong.
- Set aside a mommy time-out. Letâs face it- even with the greatest of upbringings, when weâre in a season of raising littles, there are pressures, constancy, and exhaustion. These beautiful little people just know how to push our buttons, right?! It can be a trying season of mothering. I have a friend whose husband would give her 4 hours every Sunday after church âoffâ. She could schedule coffee dates with friends, impromptu catching up at a new restaurant, mindless wandering at Target, time to read a new book, or peruse a magazine at Barnes & Noble. She always knew, no matter how hard her week was that Sunday was coming! Another good time-out would be setting aside a time, even if itâs only once a month, for a date night with your spouse. This helps you to connect with your spouse and not feel so isolated. You could get dressed up and enjoy a nice restaurant or perhaps stay in your yoga pants and go see the latest movie. The point is to break away from the normal- itâs refreshing.
- Self-Reflect: Keep an anger journal. Keep a small journal with you and write down when you loose your cool. Look for patterns. What time of day do you get angriest? What are the triggers? This will help you to know if thereâs a certain time each day when youâre most exhausted and can mentally plan for it. Maybe your kids melt down almost everyday from 4-7. Try not to plan too much around this time. Maybe you notice itâs one particular child that really pushes your buttons. The more aware you are of this, the more you can deal with the anger even before it hits. And if you notice you are having moments of anger and/or rage almost everyday, you can take your anger journal with you if you choose to see a licensed professional (See #2).
I share my own story with you because this topic of âmoms having issues with angerâ is one of those taboo topics we like to sweep under the rug.
We are ashamed. And heaven forbid if anyone ever knew of all the times weâve lost it and screamed at our children out of anger. The problem is the more we hide it, the worse it gets. And the more we try to control it on our own, the more out of control we feel.
What I have discovered through this journey is that though I will never be perfect, I can be whole. I donât have to repeat the patterns of my upbringing and I can have peace in my home and in my life. Step out and take a chance to make a change. Itâs never too late.
Thank you for sharing your story Celeste! I’m sure many of us moms have dealt with mommy anger at one time or another. Great advice on ways to approach it.
You have overcome so much with the Lord’s help! Thank you for sharing! You wrote some great tips!
I receive these updates on my local city moms blog in Florida. Your story truly touched my heart, I suffered a similar childhood that made me fearful to be a mother. I thought I was the only one that got angry or scared at my own ability to get angry. Thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable part of yourself.