Does this matter? Will knowing why help me? When will I know why?
Why goes unanswered for many women whom have suffered a loss. There’s no discrimination when it comes to a loss of a child.
As I sit here typing, the unusual feelings of loss creep back and a sense of mourning begins to overflow my thoughts. The feeling of loss never goes away and I believe the intention of this feeling will never subside making our world turn upside down. Sharing my thoughts about the awareness of pregnancy and infant loss may bring light unto others to share and begin to see that there are many women that experience a loss but hold on with different feelings.
I knew I was pregnant before taking a test. I had all the symptoms and plus the changes I was going through were dramatic. I was thrilled that Natalie would have a baby sister or brother. I just knew. The fourth week came around and to my mind it was a false alarm but my body knew there was a pregnancy. I had passed a palm size clot and proceeded the next day to see the doctor. “Yes, more than likely you had a miscarriage.” Tears began to stroll down my cheeks, but I kept my composure until I was sitting alone in my truck. Question after question hit me hard. “What’s wrong with me? What happened? Why?!” shouted out under my breath. Days, months, and a year went by and I finally settled in the fact that the loss happened and it was time to move on. So we tried again.
About a year later I just knew again. Before the fifth week, it all happened again. I couldn’t bear knowing I could not hold my baby. I gave up. I went back to school to earn a masters.
You see, I kept myself busy. I didn’t want to feel loss anymore. I dedicated my time to my four year old. I didn’t think about getting pregnant again. A year later, a missed period (2014). Two days went by, and by the third day I couldn’t wait to really know so I took a test. Positive!!!! I cried. I cried because I was scared. I was scared of losing a third pregnancy.
The feelings of loss don’t subside. I had the sense of loss when the test read positive. It’s okay to feel the loss because of the past but we have to foresee the future in holding one more child.
The loss of a pregnancy or child affects moms in different modes of feelings. Like me, four weeks loss may not seem as bad as one to four months. It doesn’t matter what stage a woman is at in her pregnancy what matters is the loss. I don’t compare my loss to anyone but with myself. My mother had a still-born. The nurse didn’t let her hold my baby sister and to this day (31 years later) my mom still holds that loss. My mother-in-law miscarried at five months. She wanted a baby girl with all her heart. In her heart to the day she holds close her loss of a daughter.
The only significance between us three is what we suffered. We suffered a loss in unique times of our lives. We will never completely understand the why. Some do and some don’t.
Today, I’m blessed with two beautiful daughters. I couldn’t have asked for more. Being in God’s favor in our answered prayers makes all the difference when we wait and listen.